the wall part two

an essay, I didn't edit it, it is what it is. compartmentalization ie the wall and grief

I saw the wall in action yesterday I’m trying to understand it fully. We had to put down our sweet cat mitt. My roomates were beside themselves and I kept thinking and hoping that I would cry. I blame it some on my medication. But the truth is I cannot access the emotions. I tried thinking of all the sweet moments me and mitt had, I heard the heart wrenching things they were saying to her and I was trying really trying to make myself cry I didn’t want to be there trying to force something but it..it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, that I'm not reacting right. that other people are judging me for it. When it comes to emergency situations I am typically the rational over emotional maybe it’s my healthcare background that’s probably some of it but in emergencies I owe my rational to the wall. I don’t think emotionally until we have a plan enacted. I found out yesterday I most literally can’t. no matter how much I tried to take down the wall and cry with everyone it seemed impossible until my partner said he thought it was time, he made the decision he sent for the nurse. And it was like a switch turned inside my body. the flood gates opened with a vengeance and sounds came out of me that I haven’t heard since another life. The grief was palpable all the memories of my mitt came like a wrecking ball. The burden of choice was gone and i was allowed access to my emotions. it felt like something heavy sitting on my chest it felt like physical pain I hated it, suddenly I wanted to put the wall right back up but I couldn’t. something about euthanasia feels very sinister to me. in my heart I know that we are doing the right thing and that we are stopping her from further suffering is a blessing but being part of the decision to take a life is something I will never get use to, she never closed her eyes it was horrifying and the barbells on my chest didn’t lift I sat in the car feeling the pain and all I wanted to do was find something to distract myself to make the pain go away but I said no you need to feel this you need to get it over with you have to sit in your discomfort that’s what Melanie says I did for a while and then used another trick of mine and went to sleep sitting straight up in the car head lolling side to side I don’t want to be present for pain It hurts its another escape I hope I felt it long enough for processing. It of course reminded me of the day I learned my father had passed I know no greater pain than that of grief. And much like when he passed and when mitt passed I feel like something evil is at work seeing bodies with vacant eyes my mind goes to..demons I guess or at least something unnatural and dark I wish I didn’t think like that and I don’t know why I do maybe its just my brain trying to process something so big that I cant contain it. The feelings of something evil happening to my dad passed with time and lots of convincing from my own self that nothing evil came and took my father it was just his body reacting to a clot it happened and no one or no thing made it happen it just did it was not some grand plan by evil forces working. Euthanasia is also no evil grand scheme to take a life it is a kindness, the final kindness you can give to your beloved pet. I know what high blood pressure, nausea, confusion, dehydration, weakness that is bone deep that makes it exhausting just to take a few steps I know what that all feels like I know she didn’t want to feel that way and that the sedative made her unaware before the heart stopper ever entered but do you see on the other hand while it feels evil she went to sleep just like I did in the car to escape the pain only when she did we made sure she didn’t wake back up it makes me feel a little sick. But there is a difference I woke up feeling a little better and beginning to process she would have woken up feeling the same or worse. It’s a bit exhausting thinking so much and trying to work so much out all the time but my thoughts just don’t shut off ever. I wrote this the moment I woke up this morning.

My other recent experience with the wall was with a close friend. She was diagnosed this year with cancer and thursday she finished chemotherapy and got to ring the bell. A lot of us from work came to watch her. Everyone was overjoyed there were a lot of tears. From others. Not from me, when we got back to work for cake everyone kept asking me “did you cry” cmon we know you did even one little tear. The goading was because they thought I was embarrassed to say I cried for my friend I don’t find that embarrassing whatsoever. On the car ride back from the bell I rode with her and she was crying and I was cheering that she did it and that she beat that shit. But it’s not over. She still has five weeks of radiation; we haven’t had the final scan after chemo to see how much it has shrunk. There is no current guarantee and while I am so happy for her that chemo with all its side effects is over. My wall holds firm until resolution. I didn’t understand that on Thursday. It wasn’t till today after mitts euthanasia that I am starting to see the walls stipulations. It can hold for years, thinking back it held the entire time my grandpa was passing. I don’t know how to release it early.